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Wrap
Text File
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1994-04-07
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6KB
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109 lines
Creating Some Harmony
Most of us have probably experienced some form of disagreement and/or
discord with another at some time in our lives. It's not a at all a
pleasant memory for any of us to examine. Most of us like to
experience existence on a more upbeat level, if it's possible, and
fortunately, many times it is.
How could we go about improving the rapport or degree of Harmony with
another? Let's use an example of two people who are not getting along
particularly well. Let's suppose two friends who are next-door
neighbors are on the outs and are not even presently speaking to one
another. Let's call them Jim and Sam.
When we look a little more closely we find the reason for the two
friends being unhappy with each other. What started it was Jim had
borrowed some tools from Sam and forgot to return them. It seems that
Jim had made something of a habit of this borrowing and forgetting to
return things.
Sam became irritated when he needed his tools and didn't have them,
and finally asked for them back. Jim returned the tools and did
apologize, but when he asked to borrow tools again, Sam told him no.
This was upsetting to Jim. He became angry, called Sam a few names
and stomped away. Now they aren't talking.
After cooling off somewhat, Jim has decided he would like to make
friends with Sam again, but knows Sam is still mad about the names Jim
had called him and can see that Sam doesn't want to be friends
anymore. So, what should Jim do?
The obvious thing would be to apologize again, but maybe there is
something else Jim should do as well. Maybe Jim should take a closer
look at how he has been treating Sam overall. Maybe there are some
additional things Jim should do in order to re-establish the
friendship.
In looking back and analyzing his previous behavior towards Sam, it
turns out that Jim sees that he has been a little selfish. He not
only had borrowed the tools, but when Sam came over to Jim's garage to
see what Jim was building, Jim bragged about the bookcase he was
building and made a very strong point about what a great carpenter he
was.
At that same time Jim had known but overlooked the fact that Sam had
also built a nice looking bookcase, but Jim didn't bother making any
sort of comment, let alone a compliment to Sam about the nice looking
bookcase that Sam had built.
And as Jim looks back a little further he finds more things which
could likely be bothering Sam. It seems that in other activities and
conversations Jim had frequently put himself in the spotlight and
often mentioned how talented he was at various activities, and had
never once even admitted that Sam had a few talents of his own.
Have you ever known someone like this? If you have, it may not have
been pleasant dealing with them. Fortunately, some people who may
have done these things will make some sort of change for the better,
and unfortunately others will not make any sort of change, even if
people complain to them.
If Jim wants to keep his friend or regain Sam as a friend, and is
wise, he would do the following. Should he be able to get Sam to
speak to him at all again, Jim should, without being too obvious,
simply give Sam some kind of compliment. It doesn't have to be a
dramatic display of any sort, just a brief statement or comment
regarding his friend Sam. It could be something as brief and simple
as, "nice boots." It only even need be a very brief acknowledgement
of some kind.
So, Jim sees Sam in front of his house and takes his opportunity. Jim
steps outside. Sam sees him, but does not speak. He turns and is
about to leave. Jim quickly says, "hey, I like the way you trimmed
your hedge." Sam may very well know it was tried for, and doesn't
want to have it take effect, but it nevertheless has a good effect
upon him.
Sam still doesn't speak, but nods and takes at least a glimpse at Jim
from the corner of his eye. Jim sees the effect, takes a step closer
and says, "could you use a cup of coffee?" Sam still doesn't say
anything, but nods and admits quietly to himself that he has missed
the company of Jim, even if Jim has been quite egotistical.
They go into Jim's house and have their cup of coffee. Jim has
learned his lesson and refrains from bragging so much, and makes a
point to put Sam in the spotlight on occasion. He can see a big
difference in Sam's attitude towards him when he does this.
In the case of our example we have used it appears that Jim was bright
enough to realize on his own how he had been being socially repugnant,
or rude. With others who may not be able to recognize it on their
own, someone might need to tell them or at least drop a little hint.
In some cases, even when a hint is dropped the person may not change.
If this happens the other party may want to consider finding a new
friend elsewhere.
What about someone we don't know, but perhaps would like to know?
Would the principle discussed above apply? Of course it would. There
are other factors we could use as well in developing a friendship or
relationship with another. We will discuss some of them in the next
chapter.
---- End Of Harmony ---